I spent the day today with Lee. Melissa is in Russia until next week and Lee is unstaffed (he's a consultant) right now, so he and I both happened to have a free day. We went downtown- I got another lesson in how to ride the El, this time with transfers and everything. I am pretty sure that I could get anywhere I need to go in Chicago now without my car. Which, if I miss my court date a week from Monday, will be a good thing because my driver's license will be suspended.
We ate lunch at some little diner in the middle of the Loop and then saw "American Wedding" which was only playing at one theater in the entire city. It was decent, but a little weird. I didn't think beforehand how the whole thing revolved around a wedding. I know I was feeling a little fondly nostalgic and I think I got the vibe a little bit that maybe he was too. Nothing too weird or creepy though.
Then I remembered why we both got so fat when we were together (He put on forty pounds and I put on thirty)- we went to Jewel and bought fucking half of a cake and some cheesecake and coke and sushi and then went back to his place and ordered a pizza. My old relationship with him reminds me of a line from a BNL song- "You are like a baby, I am like a cat, when we're happy we both get fat" or something like that. It was horrible. I feel like a dead bloated pig right now.
But the night made me very happy. We played Trivial Pursuit, and we haven't in probably three years- which was before I actually started having a active interest in knowing shit. I was sort of anxious to see if I could beat him. I have, to this day, never beaten Lee at Trivial Pursuit. But tonight he kept saying "how did you know that?" and actually commented that he remembered not ever really being impressed with me knowing things.
Dude, I know a ton of shit now.
One thing I have noticed about Lee is how attracted he is to Melissa's PhD. I think this is sad. It used to piss me off and make me feel inferior, and make me hate him because I felt like, you know, that admiration had been something he hadn't had for me. And it was weird, all cause of a game of TP I feel different now, like I finally proved that I'm not a dipshit. He still won though.
God, how much of living is just stroking your fucking ego? And liking stupid shit in other people because to have them would reflect well on you?
Stupid things that turn me on about people, in no particular order:
-if you have a weird or exotic name or are named Andrew
-if you have worked at any job where you repair things, esp. if you can repair my car/put on the hubcap that has been sitting in my backseat since November of 2001
-if you were an Eagle Scout (oh you're so capable)
-if you served in the military (oh you're so selfless and courageous and fearless)
-if you are over 6'3 (novelty boyfriend!)
-if you possess an advanced degree
-if you have traveled extensively
-if you can sing and really play an stringed instrument
Anyway.
I've had a couple of mini-breakthroughs recently. The first is that I am incredibly superficial. I can't beLIEVE how often I make internal judgements about people before they have ever opened their mouths. I've noticed lately how often I say people are ugly or something (not people I know, and not to their face, obviously) when I want to insult them. I mean it is nearly constant. I was so overrun with saying things like that to myself before that I didn't notice. And I've also realized how when I'm not dating anyone, I always seem to think I am going to need to date the best-looking guy in order to be attracted to him. But then, I'm also not superficial somehow. If you look at the list of guys who I've really cared about, most of them aren't stunningly handsome.
So that made me realize that this fear I have of people judging me based on my looks really has nothing to do with me. I am just afraid people are going to do back to me what I clearly do to them.
The second is that although I think that I am emotionally able to have a really good strong relationship with someone, and I want that, I think I really am not ready. When I am honest with myself I feel sure that, at least as of today, I am not ready to find Mr. Right, if there is such a thing. If the majority my life is going to be spent with someone else, or a few someone elses, I don't want it to start now. I think that after a year or two I would really start to feel uncomfortable with the idea of never being single again in my twenties, just like I did with Lee two years ago. I try to be honest with myself and ask myself if I really feel ready to make a long-term commitment. To anyone. To the greatest guy. And my head says, "I don't know" and my heart just feels sort of nauseated.
Then again. Maybe that is just my heart's way of saying, "Back off and let me mend for a while." That's entirely possible. Maybe it is the same thing.
The 6'5 tall grad student I mentioned a few entries back has been talking to me a lot. I think he wants to go out with me. But if I did, it would only be for several of the stupid turn-ons listed above. And this other 6'5" tall British dude who I think might be a little bit crazy and whose dad I think is a member of Parliament in the UK has been asking me to dinner and then as soon as I say okay disappearing for two or three days. I have lost whatever miniscule interest I had in the first place.
I think I made a new friend, though. His name is actually Andrew but fortunately/unfortunately I'm not at all attracted to anything about him except his really funny and eerily similar-to-mine sense of humor. Unfortunately I'm not attracted to him because he is named Andrew and it would be cool to figure out what the hell my fascination with the name is (predestination?). Fortunately I'm not because he has a girlfriend, and so we can actually be friends. I think we're going to enter the euchre tournement at Coyle's.
Tonight when Lee and I were walking out of Jewel I found three dollars lying on the ground. I picked it up and looked around for who dropped it, but no one was there. I felt guilty about taking it, but if I didn't then someone else just would have. Was that wrong? Maybe it was just the universe giving back. I did give $4 to a bum with a giant burn on his leg the other day. I told him I hoped it woul get better as I handed him the money. "It's dryin' up," he replied. I saw four other cars behind me give money after that, too, and I wondered if it was cause of me.
I bet he got that burn in 'Nam and is still using it today.
But whatever, maybe the $3 was God's way of telling me to keep giving to bums.
I am going to St. Louis tomorrow to see Adrienne. Maybe I'll get some good pictures. We're going to hoochie night at some bar, so I'll at least get some good pictures of her dressed as a slut. Me, I think I will just dress like a normal girl and observe.
Lastly...
This person is very cute.
© beotch at
2:41 a.m.
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