[The Celestine experience at the El]

There is something I really want to write about here. I had this amazing experience yesterday, at least, it was amazing to me. I just re-read The Celestine Prophecy and read The Tenth Insight . I have reading a ton lately, I'd say at least one book every day. I haven't been going out. I've just been working out, working (if you can call it that), and reading and writing. That's it. I would describe it as "blissful." I'm amazed and overjoyed to say that I think this is the first summer I have really enjoyed in maybe ten years. When I read what I was writing last year at this time, it seems like another lifetime. And I'm not exactly sure how I got from there to here. I know it definitely wasn't the path I thought would lead to this, but whatever!

So a big part of the Celestine Prophecy is noticing meaningful coincidences that you normally ignore. The idea is that these coincidences lead you, if you're willing, down a path toward your true purpose in life, and that they will guide you in the right direction. Also, that every person we run into has a message for us if we're willing to look for it; that no one we meet is ever there by accident.

Anyway. Here's my story.

Sunday I went with Justin to Ikea in Schaumburg, where Lee and I used to live. The town doesn't always make me sad, especially if I'm not feeling sad at all about Lee, which I haven't been for months and months. I didn't anticipate that it would make me feel bad, but that was because I didn't remember that I had been feeling sort of sad all weekend about my cat dying. I had had a thought, during that, that everyone really needs a partner, that that is what they're there for- to hold you when you need to grieve, that sort of thing. I remember feeling on Friday night as laid there crying how much I wished someone were there to hold me- that's when I almost woke my mom up.

Anyway, since I was feeling better I didn't think being in Schaumburg would make me feel bad. I didn't think about it at all; we just went.

But then as we were there I started to think about Lee. We went to that Ikea a million times. We loved going shopping together. He was fun and pleasant to be around and we have the same taste in furniture and clothes and it was always fun. Being there made me feel sad and since I wasn't buying anything, just carting around Justin's stuff, I had a lot of time to feel bad.

I haven't gone to this place in me in a long time, but I wondered again: Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever feel secure like that again? Being there with Justin made it worse, because we are utter opposites in almost every way. Almost everything he liked I didn't, and vice versa, which is totally fine for being friends, but the contrast made me think of how fun shopping with Lee was, and I started to feel really sad. I was tired too, which added to it.

I had court the next day (yesterday) so I actually stayed in our apartment for once, and yesterday morning I saw Lee online which is a rare occurrence now that I am practically internet-less, and we chatted for a while. I told him about how I'd been feeling and he told me how dumb it is to worry that I'll never be happy with someone again, etc. Then I left for court for my two tickets from May.

I took the El by myself which was sort of a milestone. But I was feeling really weirdly melancholy. I looked around me at the people on the train, and they all looked sad, too. "Unhappiness is the human condition," I thought to myself. I thought of old people sitting alone, left behind by younger people, and of all the single people out there wishing for a companion. Blah. It sucked.

The train emptied at one point, and a small, old, unattractive Chinese woman with a large bag got on. She looked unhappiest of all the people I had seen, and I wondered what it would be like to be her. She didn't look American, and she was dressed very plainly in what looked like men's clothes. She stayed by the doors and got off one stop after she got on.

Anyway, I went on to my court date thing. There were a million weird people there: a good-looking young rabbi in full dress, including a yarmulke, whatever that sash is they wear around their waist, and those big weird black pointy shoes. I was SO ATTRACTED to him, I can't tell you. I have to have been a Jew in a former life. And there was this guy who looked like he was homeless wearing a navy blue jacket with black pants and black shoes and his long red unwashed hair was in a ponytail behind his head and he smelled. There was a curly-haired guy who reminded me of a llama who had a baby in one of those little backpacks on his chest.

So I had two tickets: one for no insurance card and one for blowing a red. I thought about debating the last one, but since I was sort of drunk when I got it and was really rather lucky I didn't get breathalized and incarcerated, I just decided to plead guilty and pay the ticket (it was only $75) and be happy that my money was going to help pay for paving the roads in Chicago.

But when the judge finally called my name, and the prosecutor asked for my insurance card, the judge said, "Oh. Doesn't matter. The officer didn't show up," and then to me, "you're all taken care of."

I croaked out "I have another ticket?"

And the judge said, "It's dismissed," and smiled at me in the kindest way.

It was such dumb, random luck that I could not stop the biggest smile from being on my face as I walked out, even though all the people in there were looking at me. The thought occurred to me that I had already planned for that $75 to be spent, so it was like found money. A little voice told me that I should give that money away.

So I thought about giving it all to one person, some beggar on the street, but the thought pained me, I am embarrassed to say. Even the thought of giving $20 to someone pained me.

I was thinking all this as I was walking back to the El, and when I got to the turnstyle I could hear music coming from the platform. I thought it was weird, I remember thinking, "I didn't know they played music in the El stations." But when I got down there, I realized it was live music. And when I got closer, I saw that it was the sad-looking Chinese woman from the El! She had gotten off four stops before this one, but somehow now she was here, and it was like a voice in my head said, "Give her money." So stayed and watched her play the Kao-Hu, which looks like this if you care, and then when the El came I gave her twenty dollars and started to walk away, and she ran after me and gave me a CD entitled "Beautiful Chinese Music."

The whole thing was the biggest rush ever. In another life I would have just taken all that stuff as random coincidence, but I just know somehow now that it is more. All the sadness from earlier was gone, and I got a message from it: not to lose faith.

I had a lot of fun giving the rest of the money away too. I went to lunch at El Cid and tipped the waitress a lot, and then went to the gay coffee shop down the street and put $10 in the guy's tip jar while he was outside having a smoke. He seemed to be having a bad day, but I found out that is in fact the delightfully gay owner of the shop. I wonder how that place stays in business. I'm going to put $10 in the tip jar whenever I can from now on and send it some good karma cause it's awesome.

I'm going to spend another $20 of it and bring my mom and my aunt flowers and I'll see what I can do with the other $10.

Hmm.

But anyway, I have felt so consistently good for the longest time now that it's remarkable, even to me. Pretty soon I won't be able to remember what it was like to be a sad person with an occasional happy experience, instead of the other way around.

And oh! I almost forgot. This guy wrote to me again. It's no big deal, he would like to get together for a drink sometime, but I feel sort of conflicted, and have for the last two months, about putting myself in a position where I could potentially become involved with someone. There are so many reasons why I don't want to do that, and a ton more I'm probably not even conscious of. But for one, I'm not sure it would be fair to the guy, because I'm not really sure how I feel. For the last month or so, guys have been the furthest thing from my mind, relatively speaking. To how I used to be. I've been totally self-involved. It's been a while since the last thing ended, and that was fucking tough to take. And I feel like I'm over it and that I have made peace with it and that I have no ill feelings about it or toward him, but I'm not sure that's really true. I know if I don't hear from him or get involved with anyone else, in a few months it will definitely be true, but for now it might be fragile. Same thing with this nascent happiness and lack of self-loathing. I don't think anyone can shake those things, but what if there is a situation that could arise that could send me back to last August again? Not worth it.

But, this is life and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be living it, not laying around reading constantly. So maybe I'll take the chance.

© beotch at
1:41 p.m.
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