Motherfucker.
Today was a horrible, no good, very bad day. Mainly, as I realized around 4 o'clock, because I have been doing too many drugs lately and drinking wa-hay too much, and because I am especially hormonal around the tenth of the month. This is not good, and I am not happy. I have lost my connection to the great whatever again, and day to day events are taking on far too much importance. It's cheap, getting all upset and involved in stupid things like missing class and arguing with my cousin. I remember not too long ago, knowing how insignificant these things are. But now I've forgotten.
Noah and I apologized to each other today and made a pact to be friends. Friends who go out and do things instead of staying in, getting drunk and making out. That really is not the sort of friend that I need right now, and neither does he. He told me Saturday night, after my sad story, that the reason he only wants to be friends is because he is still not over someone. Someone from long ago. This validates my theory that like attracts like. Of course, I didn't realize my heart was dead on the inside until I was drunk and crying, leaning against the bathroom door on Saturday night with my cat meowing pitifully outside the door wanting desperately to come in and comfort me.
I don't mean to make light of it; I am in a sarcastic, shitty mood. I haven't moved in days and the marathon is Sunday and I am pissed off that I so easily decided to drop that goal.
To say that I am sad about the air force guy isn't accurate. Sad isn't the word. He is gone and has been for a long time. I guess I just feel weird because all of a sudden I can be honest with myself about it, and what having that disappear from under me actually means to me.
Or can I.
Since Saturday night I have been thinking about him. This morning I laid there in bed after I dropped my awful cousin off at school, and suddenly it was like the channel was open again. When we were talking and he was so far away, and I had never even seen him, it was still so eerily like he was always right there. He sent me flowers one day, on a very bad day, and when I opened the door and they were sitting outside, it was almost like he was standing there telling me not to cry. It always felt like he was nearby, especially at night when I was falling asleep. This morning I thought of him while I was lying there, and it was really sad, but my heart stopped feeling dead for a little while.
It was over in a matter of hours and he never spoke to me again. I'm not sure how a human being is supposed to process that. In retrospect it seems so incredibly fucked up, which makes it even harder to understand. Fucked up things like that aren't supposed to happen, not with someone like him, not with something like what happened to us. Not when it's meant to be, like that was. Not when two people are so perfectly suited to each other, not when two people fall in love sight unseen. Not when it's him and me.
But I'm pretty good at accepting reality now. I told more and more people the story until I had heard enough people tell me he wasn't going to change his mind, that it had been drilled into my head. I could have had faith that what I felt was real would come to me, but I didn't want to. I wanted to stop being sad. And I did, stop feeling sad.
So that's why I'm confused, now. I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this love, now. Cause it's just sitting there, in my heart, filling me up and yet it may as well be for an imaginary friend. I don't know what to do with it- it's just there, and nobody else can have it right now. I guess. That's the only conclusion I can come to. I could love someone now, it wouldn't be hard, because it never really is for me, but only the sort of love you can hand someone over the brick wall you've built around your heart. It's a short brick wall, you know, I can see over it, but it's there.
I want what it is that he and I had. That was how I wanted it to happen. That was how I wanted to feel about someone. That was how I wanted to feel about someone with no solid reasons for it. I wanted a relationship to grow like that. He is the only person who I have ever thoroughly loved the first time we made love.
It seems sort of obvious now why I have chosen vapid people to think of since him. I don't want to feel that way again. That way is for him, for now. Yamil, the guy from the bar, is a total womanizer and I know it. He drinks too much and has questionable judgement and drove me home drunk and told me there's nothing wrong with girls who sleep with guys on the first date. He could never love me the way I want a person to love me. It's the way we were able to casually banter and flirt for two hours the night we met that was so attractive. When he called me last week to ask me out again, or whatever it was he did, he told me he was getting hard thinking about me. I could never have what I want with someone like that. But I could have what it is that I want now, I guess, which is a relationship that won't go too deep.
I guess my point is that there is nothing to do with the fact that I have realized I still love him, so much. There's nothing to do with it. No way around it. No way to speed it up or know when it will leave me, if ever. There's no telling when I will feel innocently excited about someone like that again. It was such a clean slate, relatively speaking, when I met him. I had just truly resolved things with Lee immediately before; I honestly think that was the first time I was ready to love someone else since the beginning of breaking up with him in 2001.
Now I'm mired in another one. I'm not sure if it's easier or harder because it just ended abruptly and he disappeared. I thought it was much easier, and in some ways it must be, but god, how can it be? It's one step away from someone just dying.
Strange, though, anger and sadness don't really factor in. I just wonder why everything happened how it did and still have a little grating nervousness knowing I have no way of ever knowing the answers to those questions- and truthfully, I am somewhat relieved about that- and I wonder when it will be that my heart is free of this love for him so that someone else can take up residence there. It has been two and half years since I have been on the inside of a relationship that isn't coming or going. And the time in my life that could be characterized as chaotic and full of rapid transformation is also quickly gaining distance.
Now it's just me, living.
© beotch at
11:53 p.m.
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