I know now what it means to be happy, and experienced firsthand, consciously, being happy with no reason to be, and being happy with lots of reasons not to be. I have also consciously experienced being unhappy with no reason to be. A lot. So I know the difference now, and I understand that it is a choice, and I even think I know how to make the choice, almost always. It has everything to do with understanding worrying, and why worrying is useless.
But I still can't keep myself from worrying about certain things. Honestly at this point, I'm not really worrying that "it" will never happen. We all know what I am talking about. But all these doubtful situations disguised as the possible "it" keep arising, and then I worry what to do about them.
This is not a situation about which I am worrying anymore, but it's a decent example: the 35 year old Chilean Arab looking guy, Yamil. I was pretty attracted to him and since being really attracted to someone is a new and exciting relationship requirement for me I am putting way too much emphasis on it. Yamil is an ass. He was rude, disrespectful, dangerous, and most annoying of all didn't call when he said he would. For the three weeks that he had any chance at all of dating me I worried about it. He had told me he'd cheated on his wife. Whether or not I even went out with him again seemed like a decision of monumental importance, because I worried I wouldn't have any control over developing feelings for him and would get involved in a situation where he would cheat on me, or where he would hurt me, or where his ex wife would be annoying. Etcetera. Then he didn't call when he said he would, again, after making loose plans with me for last week (sometime).
Of course when I didn't return his last call he called again. And then I worry about how maybe I am being too hard on him, how maybe I'm missing out on something good, and I feel guilty about hurting his feelings, I feel like I am being too judgemental.
Honestly though I wish he would just go away. That would be the best thing. And Saturday night when I was in St. Louis Adrienne's friend pranked him from her phone and told him to stick his Emmy up her cooch. It was the most juvenile thing I have done in many years, but it was fucking funny as hell. We were drunk anyway, that's my excuse.
But I worry so much, and I am so confused right now. I am so burned out on these disappointing people I've been meeting for the last month, and there have been too many of them.
And I don't love them. I know that sounds retarded, because how could I? But I don't. There is all this confusing love in my heart for other people. I still love the guy in the air force even though I have pretty much stopped thinking about him again now. It's weird, how it doesn't even seem real to me most of the time. It feels like recalling a memory from a past life, or a dream that couldn't really have happened. That is SO confusing.
And I love Dan, too. I saw him yesterday for the first time in a year and a half on my way home from St. Louis. I knew before seeing him that I loved him, and we have said it a lot of times this year, and I knew that there were romantic feelings between us, but the I love yous weren't said quite in that way somehow. They were really meant in a more soulful way, at least on my part.
But I was totally blindsided by how I felt when I saw him. Dan and I are totally attracted to each other in a sexual way, which is awesome and it has been incredible whenever we've been together in the past, and I wanted him yesterday too. But I was not prepared for how overcome I felt with emotion when he was near me. Our relationship has developed since the last time we saw each other and I just had no idea how it was going to feel for me. My heart felt sad and on fire at the same time and I didn't want to have sex with him. I just wanted his arms and legs around me and his face buried in my neck. Circumstances pretty much dictated that that was all that we would do.
I felt stupid driving back to Chicago after that, because I should have known how it would feel. There have been so many nights in the last year and a half when it physically hurt not to have him with me. I'd be hearing his voice on the other end of the line and it felt like my heart was being sucked out of my chest. It was an urgent, desperate feeling that I don't know if I have ever felt before, loving someone so much, wanting him so much, and worst of all wanting him there with me and knowing that he couldn't be there for at least three hours. But it was hard, feeling that feeling while he was sitting right in front of me. I couldn't look in his eyes because every time I did my heart swelled up and my brain squeezed it back down, and the result was just me feeling like I needed to cry from feeling so much at one instant.
I love him and I don't know if I could ever be his girlfriend or if I was, if he would ever really want to just be with me, or if I could ever trust him. I don't know if it would work anyway. Right now I don't even have the energy, and I'm too scared to figure it out. Those feelings for him were so strong, though. It was like they were a seperate entity that took me over while I was with him. Feeling those feelings for someone who isn't really a candidate right now, for the above mentioned reasons, is hard, really hard for me.
I'm confused. I made up some sort of loose rule a while back about grace periods. I don't sleep with two different people in the same month under any circumstances. When a short intense relationship ends for me I try not to rebound, I try to just be alone for a while. That sort of thing. So right now I feel like since I just felt all this for someone it isn't really fair to date anyone else. And at the same time, why shouldn't I? I am single. There is no one to betray. I'm just confused. Because I don't want to not date anyone. Truthfully I want someone to come along and clear up all this confusion for me, knock me off my feet, someone who wants me to focus all of this on him. Make things simple. My life has been confusing in this way for months, it seems, and I've been trying to gracefully dance through the obstacle course but my legs are seriously getting tired. I just want someone now who I can fall asleep on the couch with.
© beotch at
1:58 a.m.
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