Today I had to clean my bank account out like a criminal. Although I knew it was stupid, I felt mildly anxious when I went up there to withdraw my net worth of $350, like if they informed me I couldn't have it, there would be an armed guard who would descend upon me and take me to the detention center for bad, bad people. As it were there was no armed guard and I got my cash and the guy behind the counter even smiled at me. He probably just thought I was going shopping, or on vacation.
Most people would/will probably find it astounding to learn just how long I have avoided facing up to my financial crises. It has been almost a year and a half since I stopped paying my credit card bills. It's true, creditors do harass you, but not after your phone has been cut off!! Heh heh, jesus christ. I was recently remarking how sad it is that my life is entertainment. Really, it is pretty entertaining if you know the details.
Random thing: I creamed a deer on my way home from Champaign Sunday night. It was horrible. The deer was already dead, but its molecules were mostly still in original format until my Civic came hurtling along at 85 miles an hour and sent it flying in all directions. My knees reflexively clenched together as my car steamrolled the carcass and didn't relax for about a half hour. Then I forgot about it.
Until today, when I noticed a bunch of weird red strings hanging off my front bumper! I didnt remember what they were until my head was cocked to the side staring eight inches away and my finger was reaching out to try to decipher the texture. I guess that is one good thing that happened to me today: I didn't fondle deer bowels.
I decided to file for bankruptcy again after many back and forths on the issue. It is morally represhensible to me. Okay, that's not really true. I believe in karma and I am afraid of what will happen to me. There is no way I will EVER, I mean ever pay this debt off without my financial situation improving tremendously. Who's to say it won't? Which is why I decided not to file. But yesterday I got a letter from the Hammond Circuit Court of Indiana informing me my bank account and all assets would be frozen until a court date (what for? I don't know, I already went and told them I am insolvent) a month away. And I just can't live that long without a bank account. And I also don't feel like living in fear of eleven or so more of these letters arriving with no warning in the future.
I was sitting outside just now, in front of the computer lab at Purdue, waiting for a spot to open up. It's dark outside, 90%, and the school is lit up and has a very white bread campussy (!) feeling to it. I sat there in my nice car with deer guts hanging off of it in my nice clean clothes with my nice clean hair drying on my nice clean head and it just struck me how much that moment represents my life. It just fits, and that is depressing. In the throes of financial ruin, sitting in front of school where I spend most of my time improving my yahoo euchre score instead of studying, in a car I wouldn't have had I not weasled it out of someone who IS responsible with money. And no parking spot. The one thing that completes this picture is the song I had filling the car on repeat: Lullabye by Shawn Mullins. You know, about the sad L.A. girl who "can't let go, and can't relax"? And just as she hangs her head to cry, he sings her a lullabye: everything's gonna be alright, rockabye. Rockabye.
I've been listening to that song on repeat everywhere I went for three days now and I didn't even realize that I was preparing for some breakdown.
Actually the breakdown isn't that bad. I'm in the middle of it right now. It's not like it used to be. Rock bottom is a much higher place that it used to be. But here I am again. The truth is, I have been wanting to be here for a while. For the last month or so I knew it was inevitable that I'd be back here and I just wished it would happen so I could get it over with and start the upward climb again. I think I wanted some new shit to work on.
Tonight: drugs and more music on repeat. Tomorrow: call a bankruptcy lawyer and for gods sake quit eating so much fucking fast food.
© beotch at
7:07 p.m.
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