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06-03-2003
Tuesday morning. Afternoon... whatever.
Life is a paradox right now. On one level, the most earthly and mundane, the level where I can't see the forest for the trees, things are complicated. So many details, whirling through my head. And then... on another level, a perfect level, where I can see clearly, where I feel taken care of and safe, things are so incredibly simple. It's hard... no, it's easy. The truth of the matter is... it is both, it just depends how you perceive it at any given moment. And you can't choose only one or the other. They both have to exist in order for either of them to exist.
My mind hasn't been able to shut off for the last five days. I knew there would be a lot to process when I came home from this trip, good and bad. I knew that the timing of the trip had become weird due to delays, and that certain fears had naturally cropped up, at least for me, and I didn't expect perfection. I expected to love him, and I do, but that was about it. I knew there would be things to figure out, and that I was moving the day I got back. One thing remains true: things never happen the way you think they will. There are always surprises, things to deal with that you weren't prepared for. And I think the sooner I accept that about life, the easier it will to be.
Thoughts float through my head seemingly randomly. I feel like I want to leave this computer lab and go home and work. I have a memory of his eyes, lying sideways, his brow raised as he told me something sincere... and his laugh, with love in his eyes, when he told me that he loved when my brow did the same thing as I told him something I wanted him to believe. I think about myself and about how I don't hate my body anymore. My eyes can see his fingers interlaced with mine. I feel love. I feel peace. And the one thing missing is fear. I don't have that anymore. There are moments, but I just watch them as they come, and watch them go. Somehow, I know, without any doubt at all, that all things considered, what we have is a good thing. I don't know what the outcome will be, and I'm making a conscious effort to let it be whatever it is, and have faith that it's right.
I think that sometimes, saying things can make them come true. According to some theories, we create everything around us. First, it's an idea... then a thought, and finally, words, words being the least effective communicators. When I really want to tell someone something, I try to say it in as few words as possible. "I love you." "It's okay." "It's easy." "I'm not mad." And the one I have been trying to believe most of all is, "There's no reason to be afraid. I am not afraid." I can feel, somewhere in my heart, my heart, which feels like it is as deep as the ocean right now... that I don't need to be scared. I want to take comfort in that, I want to believe. Part of me thinks I am peaceful because I believe in this, but I may have everything, or I may have nothing.
Right now, I am content. Just waiting for the truth to reveal itself in time. To me, truth, love, joy, happiness are all one thing. And patience and understanding and forgiveness are in there too. I know I need those things. I want to be those things, and I am, I think.
Last week I was in the car, my sweetie driving, holding my hand. I was scared and insecure in a way that is not characteristic of me. I was very confused, missing the most obvious cause for why things had been weird, blaming myself, crying inside, wanting just to make things okay. Letting the fear get to me, which I promised him and myself I wouldn't do. So increasingly concerned for him, worried about how he was feeling, that I had sort of lost connection to myself. I asked God for a sign. Not that this person still loved me or wanted me. Just a sign, something to jolt me back to reality. We stopped to get some stuff at a little convenience store, and when we left, I was opening a bottle and a penny flew out of nowhere- not from my pocket, or the dashboard; it just seemed to fall out of the ceiling- and hit the bottle cap with a plinky metallic noise, and landed on my leg.
Anyway... I kept that penny. It didn't really mean anything to me until I was strapped into seat 10E between a fat black woman and a stanky African guy, waiting for takeoff. I remembered the penny was in my pocket and how I had gotten it, and I wanted to hold it. So I took it out, and looked at it, and the first thing I saw was "In God We Trust."
I think that's the difference in my life. I have learned to trust in God, and in people. I lose faith, I get scared, when my perceptions don't match what I know in my heart to be reality. But I think that's the challenge with having faith... believing, even when you have no evidence that you should. I do have faith... and if I lose it, I know now that there is some illusion surrounding me. Because I believe. In love. I have known for a very long time that I am here for that purpose. There is someone who is perfect for me in this respect, someone who is also here for the same reason- to love me back, to be happy and complete because of what I am able and willing to be to him. To live life with me. To adore me and be happy being adored by me. I feel right now like I already know who he is, and in spite of all the confusion I am feeling, I still feel happy about that. But I am just a stupid, fallible little human. I trust that God, the truth, will bring that person to me, even if it's not who I think it is.
This whole experience has been a test on so many levels. Maggie: How far are you willing to go for love? How much can you trust in God, that life works in a perfectly mysterious way? Can you really have faith that you'll be happy, no matter what you choose, or what happens? How much do you really love this person? And... how much do you really believe in this?
I think the answer to all of them is simply: I believe.
The weirdest reference keeps popping into my mind, a scene from My Cousin Vinny. All the evidence is against them, and they are feeling hopeless about how they'll ever be proven innocent and Vinny gives this long diatribe, the gist of which is basically that the case against them is like a playing card. It looks like it's real, it feels real, but when you turn it sideways, there's nothing there. Their case is bogus because beneath all the things that are stacked against them, is the truth: that they are innocent, and that is what's true. Anything that contradicts that is just an illusion.
I keep thinking of that. I feel like that is my life right now. I hear words, bits of conversation, looks, thoughts that have run through my head. All these details that make me question everything, that leave me mired in doubt. And then the suddenly the card gets turned sideways and I realize that all this fear is just an illusion, and that only love is real.
And so, I know there is truth at the heart of all of this. Speaking directly from my heart... I have so much faith in the person I love right now. What I feel wouldn't really be love if I didn't have that faith. It is what I need, what's right... what's true... whatever it is and turns out to be.
© beotch at
2:35 p.m.
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