For the last six weeks I have let myself go. Whenever I realize this (because this cycle happens again and again) I immediately want to swing to the extreme: no eating. No people. Just me alone in my bedroom at my mom's house doing superman crunches and four thousand lunges and forcing myself to at least walk if not run 40 miles a week. I want to just shut people out.
This seems to always happen with the introduction of some new guy. It's getting really old and repetitive. I don't know what it is about meeting somebody that makes me seem unable to keep control of my life. I would think that new boyfriend= taking better care of myself, wanting to be more in control of my life, doing more and better things, blah fucking blah blah. But it's never that way. I wonder if this is God's version of aversion therapy for me. Because I am starting to really want to just be alone.
When my mom got home from New York today she told me she wants to buy me a new laptop, and I almost fell out of my chair. It was just, so random and unexpected and I hate this fucking computer. I almost fell to my knees and started kissing her shoes. It was ridiculous.
You know what? I want to be alone so much right now. I emailed Yamil on Friday and told him to F. O. I have not heard back, which surprises me. I am starting to understand men a little better. You don't call them back, you tell them to fuck off, they can't get enough of you. This must be why I am still single. I am almost 1000% certain this is not the last I will hear of Yamil. I think I understand human behavior pretty well at this point, and I am pretty sure he likes a challenge and created this one on purpose, or at least his subconscious created it purposely.
I want to just be alone so bad, and yet I wish so much I hadn't met this person yesterday. It's not a big deal but also not the sort of thing I think you can really just put on hold for six months or end with no hard feelings. That is the weird thing about meeting people online; there is a relationship there before it comes really real, and then when it does some people (wow, me in this situation) can't handle the intensity. Especially if it was somewhat intense when you were just emailing.
I have decided something else, from this new guy and from Yamil: I am meeting guys online from now on. I like it better. It's nicer. And people in person can never handle shit anyway.
The funny thing is if this new guy hadn't been out of touch all day today (this is a good guage of my current mental state) I would feel differently about it. It is sort of important, I think, to email someone with some indicator of if you thought they were ugly or not the day after you meet them. He did not do this, he just wrote me some email about being pissed off about his LSAT scores and fasting for Ramadan, and that was it. The fact that this bothers me is what is making me want to be alone. When did I get this bad at dealing with my own problems? Man. When Lee and I met I was just as neurotic as I am now... well maybe not actually... but I did a great job of acting back then, because I really wanted to be with him. There is no one I really want to be with bad enough to go through the effort of playing the game anymore. This is sad.
Well... this is a sad day, a sad moment, to realize that whatever it was I had this summer is now gone. I am squarely back where I was last February or March. Things have returned to status quo. It was a really nice summer though, I guess there is some value in that.
© beotch at
1:00 a.m.
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