[stuff]

You know what? I will probably be back here, writing again at some point. My life has always been too black and white. I've said I will quit this diary, fuck you all, never to return about ten times now. I would have deleted the whole thing actually, but there is no way to do that. After a careful cost/benefit analysis I decided that even I have too much of a life to sit there and delete 839 entries one by one.

So I'll just write a short update on what's been going on with me, in case anyone cares. I have a new job, working for my brother, only this time, I think I will probably just stay with it, and start learning more about the business and building this into a career. Why not? The idea of boxing myself into a career field has always scared me, made me feel trapped. But having no marketable skills/job prospects is a worse place to be, I'm realizing.

I have mono. I've been sick for almost a month now, just went to the doctor last week, because I am bonehead. It turns out there is a physical reason for not being able to stay awake for more than five hours at a time, and for why my neck has felt like it had two water ballons in it forever.

I'm sick but it's not unpleasant.

Life for me is just sort of happening right now. I've been trying to focus on the social aspect of it for a long time now. It's better that way, for me. I don't think I work very well being reclusive and super introspective, especially in the winter. I suppose I am destined to live a shallow life of gaeity. Let's hope so. I think it's what would make me happy.

I think I have finally once again reached a place of wanting my state of detachment from the opposite sex. I've worn them out. They've worn me out. The vast majority of my exposure to men this year has been undesirable. You know how when you bite your cheek you keep biting it for a long time? That is analogous somehow. Once you start to think bad things about a gender, it seems to be all you see/find. I'm working on not becoming jaded. Honestly I'm not sure it's possible for me. To be jaded.

I guess overall I have found whatever was missing in my life, or, found that nothing is missing from my life. But I'm still looking for something, some answers, I guess. I'm just tired of thinking about things so much, and tired of trying to figure out the what ifs in my life. For now. And I'm also trying really hard, too hard, to figure out how to get my natural ability to write to translate into WRITING something. Everything I write right now really seems like shit... I read stuff that I wrote a year or two ago, and wonder why I can't come up with more of it.

that's all, man. I have to go to bed. mono alternates between sucking and feeling like being on drugs. Right now I feel like I'm on drugs, and I've felt very peaceful today.

That is all, see you sometime soon.

© beotch at
9:03 p.m.
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