Merry Christmas, to whomever is reading this.
Fuck man, I got older. That's what happened. Something happened to me in 2003 and I got older. I can see it, in my old writing. Something's different, even though I am still the same I think. Same drama queen, but I'm going for more expensive drama these days, I think. I hope.
I feel more sedate about life, now. I think that is the difference I feel between now, and whenever. I guess I just finally realized that money always comes from somewhere, so why fucking worry about that, and that there is always... always another guy. Comforting.
This year, instead of spending Christmas Eve with my family, I spent it eating sushi and drinking hard cider naked with a friend of mine. He stayed til noon today.
It was good for me actually, because it made me understand what it is that I've been wanting for the last six months or so. Not a boyfriend, but someone who cares about me who will have sex with me all night long a few times a week. God, how I do not want to be someone's girlfriend.
You know what freaks me out, is how when you start to really feel something, like you want to have a baby, or you like seafood, or you're a fucking Republican, it just doesn't go away for a while. I mean, you have to stay there and ride it out until something changes. And maybe nothing ever does, and you're just a fucking Republican forever or, like me, you want to stuff your face with shrimp and Chilean sea bass every chance you get with no end in sight. This is what freaks me out about not wanting to be anyone's girlfriend. God, I can't help but think that losing my idealism and focusing on everything but a dude is going to be bad for me somehow, and is going to just stay that way forever. In like ten years, I'm going to be that chick that everyone shakes their head at because I find something wrong with every guy I meet.
God man, I just can't take them anymore. I can't help it. It's like eating too much candy or smoking too many cigarettes- I'm just sick of them. It could be that I had sex six times last night- my "friend" is insatiable in a way I have not known since I was 17- i'm not complaining- I don't know. I mean, I could see just having a physical thing with him for the foreseeable future. It was awesome while he was here- we snuggled and it was incredible and all very affectionate and everything but once he was gone, I was glad to be by myself again. Except for the part of me that is spazzing out over casual sex and like, wanting him to call so I'm not just some chick to screw or whatever- well I'm not dying for him to call. I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to be his girlfriend, but want to continue having sex with him. It's sort of a weird situation, he has a girlfriend who doesn't sleep with him, and they have an understanding that they can each get it on the side. It is a totally bizarre circumstance that I don't understand... but, works for me. God. The lack of pressure is so great.
But yeah, there is that part of me that thinks it is totally weird that the guy whose arms I woke up in today (actually... who woke me up with his hands and his mouth this morning, heh heh) isn't like... someone who I want to be with. It felt so fucking good. That whole time though there was a bit of anxiety in my chest. It feels emotionally dangerous.
I don't know. Anyway. Andy, from my last entry, is an ass. I knew this already. I found out, I think, because the source may not be reputable, that the girlfriend he broke up with before he started hitting on me still comes around, and that her car is there every day and that she came to pick up his cats for him while he is home for Christmas. I know they aren't getting back together, because he treats her like fucking crap (jesus), but even so, I am annoyed that he made it seem like he broke up with her and never spoke to her again. I would never have gone anywhere near him if I had thought some other chick was still hanging around, especially a six-foot amazon woman. I mean, she is the type who would definitely kick my ass or break in my windshield or put a horse's head in my bed. Andy is sleazy. Why do I always see the good in people? I think maybe I am psychic, but for the far far future. With Andy, I could see him changing his personality. He's depressed, I can tell. He just radiates confusion and depression under his wise-cracking/lewd comment making exterior. He actually told me he's depressed last week. He drinks too much. I think he will probably figure out what's making him depressed and then stop being such an immature dickhead, and when he does that he will be a really great guy. I see the really great guy occasionally, and I'm a little bit in love with him. definitely.
Yeah... either that or he will become and broken down drunk hanging out in the ghetto bar every day. Crap shoot.
Speaking of Chilean sea bass (I did, earlier)... fucking Yamil still calls me. The guy from four months ago that I met in a bar. He is such a fucking ass. I can't believe I didn't tell him to fuck off earlier. Seriously, after my friend last night, I have no desire to call Yamil again. So I guess the truth comes out, that I just wanted to bang him. What can I say. Sue me.
Seriously, I'm starting to slowly not give a shit what anyone else thinks about anything. I mean, who the fuck really cares. Does it have bearing on me, or what I'm doing? Not usually. I've found that I rarely care what people think of me, unless it has to do with me being slutty or ugly. And if I am slutty, or ugly, and I think I am neither, no one is going to give a shit about it longer than it takes for them to walk out of the room. So fuck it. I'm doing what I want from now on.
God. Last week I was at work at the courthouse and this guy was there working for some other company. I don't know, maybe I already wrote about it. But this was the most fucking annoying guy ever. He constantly talked and I couldn't get any work done, so finally I gave in and started talking to him. We worked together for the whole week and then it was my last day there, and so he asked me to lunch. I wanted to go, but not as his date or anything and I was a little uncomfortable with it. Anyway, it sucked, he was totally boring, and ended up picking all these fights with me over moral issues (how we got on that topic, I have no idea) and we ended up spending the rest of the day in uncomfortable silence at the courthouse and I left early. Ugh. I'm telling you, diary, I can't fucking handle people anymore. Especially judgmental pricks. What the fuck ever happened to giving people a chance? Oh yeah, I remember how our conversation started- he told me he went on a date with a girl and found out during dinner that she had done coke in high school, and he wouldn't go out with her again after that. In fact he was saying how he just waited for the date to be over after that, and lamented that he had to spend money on her dinner.
GOD, I fucking hate people like that. Especially when they are fucking tools who drive a 1983 Dodge Dynasty, are balding and still live with their parents at 28. I mean, who the fuck is that guy to reject a girl based on the fact that she did coke in high school?
I hate people.
Anyway, hopefully I will never hear from him again.
Man, I just feel tired. I'm thinking about getting my real estate agent license, since I already did the class, and then going to appraiser school. I know I could have a decent job then, maybe even working for my brother. I don't know what to do about Purdue. I'm 80 credits in and I don't want to stop now, but I feel so fucking far from being done. I'm thinking... Mag... do you just want to work in real estate so you can work in your brother's office and see Andy all the time?
Why the fuck am I so attracted to this guy?
Ugh.
My only real goals for 2004 are to learn to shoot a really good game of pool and to master disco dancing. I saw this guy on the corner of Erie and Michigan dancing to Heart of Glass, and was spellbound and I knew then and there that disco dancing is something I need to do in life.
Yeah. Earlier today I decided that for one year of my life I'm not going to think about the rest of my life. I'm just going to write and learn to disco dance and celtic dance, and shoot a good game of pool and play piano and maybe, if I am feeling inspired, buy another guitar. Maybe go on a trip this year. Visit my friends in New York City, go see my friend Micah's band (and my friend Micah) in Raleigh. He is incredible. Have a lot of sex with Mike. Keep running six miles a day. Read a shitload of books. Memorize some Shakespeare. Find two or three really good unknown bars in the city. Find a blues club. Start a karaoke club and enter the contest at McGovern's. Drive to St Louis every month. File for bankruptcy. Buy clothes. Watch mob movies. Watch cable TV. Play a lot of euchre, eat a lot of spicy fries. Do some yoga, meditate. Pet my cats. Not think about the future. Go to as many parties as possible. Spend a larger portion of my income on sushi (i can't believe I'm typing that). Learn to appreciate whiskey- maybe. Buy DVDs of tv shows and watch them on my laptop. Maybe take just a few really good classes with professors I already know. I don't know- I just get the feeling that this year, I should relax and have as much fun as possible.
Oh yeah. Lee is moving to Michigan to be with Melissa in a few weeks. He is quitting his job. she has broken up with him a bunch of times, and I know that this is bothering me on some level. I am worried for him, and I hope things work out.
I realized though- they have been together now longer than we ever were. If they are still feeling romantic about each other... then they have something that we never did. Granted... they have never lived in the same city when one of them wasn't traveling... I guess it'll be different when they are together all the time. Bottom line: I'm concerned.
T-minus 6 days until I am no longer allowed to worry. I have a good feeling about 2004.
© beotch at
1:09 a.m.
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