Adventures in the Life of Beotch

I am finally starting to heal. The disease relapsed about ten times worse since my last entry. After a horrific few weeks that seem like such a heavy trauma that I don't want to recount them here- like a heartbreak, or a death, something along those lines- I am finally starting to heal. I spent two weeks unable to move, get out of bed, shower properly, or lower my temperature below 102 degrees. The doctors didn't/don't know what's wrong, but whatever it is, it is going away.

However, the thought hasn't escaped me that if this were the year 1904 instead of 2004, I would be dead right now. I feel like a ghost.

I haven't been home to my apartment in Chicago in almost three weeks. My mom has been waiting on me hand and foot here, staying home from school with me like she did when i was little.

Something weird has happened. with all the time I've had to lie there and think- and for most of that three weeks i couldn't sleep because I was in too much pain, so I had a lot of time- I have written books of material in my head. But I don't want to share them in a real-life forum anymore. I want to convert them somehow to another medium- a screenplay, a novel, something other than just the facts laid out here with no interpretation necessary. There have been things I've thought about: my mother's mortality and what a good mother she is, my own mortality, the fact that I feel suddenly ready to commit to a serious relationship for the first time maybe ever, talking to my good friend from summer camp for the first time since 1995 and making plans to see him and travel with his band and revisit camp and how many emotions will erupt during that trip- all this stuff has come up. I feel like I decided I want to go to nursing school. I feel like getting sick somehow made me calm inside. I feel calm somehow having just been sicker than I have ever been before in my life. I don't know what to make of it. And I don't really want to write about it. I've tried to, when I've had those thoughts, as they came, and some angry wall grew up inside and told me to stop. I don't wanna.

Anyway, I'm still in bed but I don't have the feeling that whatever I had is going to come back. it's still here actually. but i just think it's over.

[From under covers]