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hey- ugh. really wanted to talk to you today about what happened last night, but luckily like every other person on the planet was available.
anyway- here is what happened, so we don't have to waste your daytime minutes.
Chad came over- everything was awesome. we drank a lot- 5 heinekens for him, a bottle of wine for me. we had a great time sitting in the dining room and listening to music and talking. like every five minutes, one of us would lean over the table. :) it was so nice, kissing him and then he would lean over and kiss me, and he was holding my hands across the table the whole night, telling me how pretty i was, how soft my hair is, how soft my skin is, how pretty my hands and feet are- this went on the whole night. it was great.
then it started getting late and he told me he wanted to stay over- not that he intended to- just that he wanted to. We were tired and drunk and went and were lying in my bed, just lying there talking. i was saying i wanted him to stay, he was saying he wanted to stay- sex was like, not a part of this, by the way. i know he just wanted to stay, and i know he understood i just wanted him to stay. ANYWAY- i wasn't even ready for him to stay sex-free, and im sure it was obvious. i had no intention of him staying before he came over. anyway- he said, "i want to stay but i think you'll feel better if you wake up alone tomorrow." he was totally right. but then he sort of suddenly stood up and said "im leaving" and i was surprised, because i wasn't sure it had been established he was leaving or staying yet- and i wanted him to stay- and i was drunk- so i just sort of laid there dazed and weirded out. he asked me what was wrong and i was feeling embarrassed at that moment so I said "im feeling embarrassed" and it started one of those "what's wrong?" "nothing" conversations- i really didn't know how to answer the question, i was drunk and not sure how i was feeling. He got irritated and asked where his coat was, all huffy-like, and i told him, and then he left. i got up to follow him but by the time i got to the foyer he had already left! -- just walked out. No "I had a great time, thanks for spending half of the money to your name on making me dinner, thanks for baking that pie we didn't eat any of, you're beautiful, I'll talk to you soon" so i opened the door and was like Chad? and he answered all irritated and I was like Why are you just walking out? if you just walk out in the middle of a tense situation, that's never going to work with me. (remember- i was drunk during this) anyway he responded with some crap about "fine, if this will never work then I'm just gonna go." he came back up for a second so my neighbors wouldn't have to witness us screaming up and down the stairway and was all shitty. I tried to diffuse the situation, you know, just like smiling at him and trying to lighten the mood, but he was all pissed. he stood there in my foyer all pissed off and said "I'm not staying, if I stayed now, it would be just not to piss you off" and "You know maybe we're just not on the same page with all this" and "i said all those things to you a few weeks ago, and i meant some of them but now i wish i could retract some of them" or some shit like that, and some other crappy things, and then I said kind of dazed, "well- okay, if you dont want to stay then just go ahead and go." and he stormed out, and didn't answer his phone when i called him.
Then- i called him this morning and left a message basically saying hey, i'm sorry, we were drunk and i feel sorta dumb, and please call me so we can talk. he didn't call. and i called again tonight and he didn't pick up- i didn't leave a message this time.
so, basically, unless this is somehow some dramatic scene totally relating to something else- i am pretty sure i'm through with this guy. this drama is totally fucking gay.
oh yeah- he also told me last night that he has a hard time believing it when someone says I love you. Not a good sign, I'm thinking.
But the worst thing is the not picking up the phone, or returning my call. Oh yeah- he said he'd call me today last night, and obviously didn't.
I'll probably call you tomorrow, kay? I'd just like to hear your thoughts on this.
you know- I have accepted who I am pretty much at this point. i know i'm not perfect Lee, and you of all people know my areas of irrationality and unreasonability- but I really believe at this point that I'm just a human being, and that a balance of good and bad is the best I can ever hope for. I like who I am and I feel comfortable that the good things about me are great, and that my unreasonability is ameliorated by an intense desire to change those things- and that I apologize and make up for them when they do happen. I am sure that I was sort of dumb about him leaving last night, but I mean- even I am inclined to give myself some slack on that. it was late, i was drunk. i'd forgive me. and god knows HE was a prick, and I'm willing to let that go.
anyway- i know you will have something wise to say about this all so i can't wait to talk to you. I was feeling pretty heartbroken earlier but something struck me, and suddenly i saw all the ways that my life is great right now. Especially the number of great friends I have. For the longest time, you were the only person I felt really knew me and cared about me- but today I realized that I have three other people in my life who have gotten pretty close to you in that respect- Dan, Michael and Adrienne. Michael talked to me all morning, and then took me out to lunch and listened more- and then, on top of that, told me he actually enjoyed talking to me about my man crap. I couldn't believe it. And Adrienne, she is always awesome. And then Dan tonight was so great- he said, "aren't you glad you figured this out now, and not when you're more emotionally invested?"
I feel so lucky about that- it just hit me what that means, to have four people that aren't related to me that I can really count on. That's more than most people probably ever have. I don't know, it hit me and suddenly I felt so happy.
So yeah- I feel so cared about today. Maybe that was the purpose of all this.
But, I just keep hoping- well I know that all this crap with Chad is just because he is so scared of being hurt. He's told me that in a number of verbal and non verbal ways.
But I just keep hoping that he'll somehow find the balls to be a man and not be a pussy about all this.
I love you Lee!
© beotch at
1:45 a.m.
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