I've been so hurt and confused all week about what happened Saturday night that I got sick. This definitely is not worth it. But I will go to almost any length imaginable to not have to face the fact that the person in question is not who I thought he was. I just wanted to believe so much that he wasn't just all talk.
But- it seems he was. It's Wednesday night... no call, no email.
So I guess that's that... another one bites the dust. I don't understand why these things happen in my life, but I'm sort of past asking that question: why.
I am so glad I have so many friends now. I always knew it was something that was missing from my life, but I didn't realize how much having good friends, and even all the ones that aren't so close yet, helps when you are feeling bad.
I went out with M. and his work friends last night. I love M. so much- we almost went home together. I would have done it if he weren't the voice of reason. He is so incredibly smart. It blows my mind. We played trivia at a bar, and he came up with answers and God, I mean, I was really attracted to him. We have such a weird connection and I wonder all the time what will happen in the future with him.
I'm so disappointed about what happened with C. I feel so helpless. Today I was thinking that I played an equal part in creating what happened. I didn't do anything wrong, but I think I knew right out of the gate that he didn't feel on par with me, or that he was afraid he wasn't good enough, or something, and I thrived on that, because it made me feel better about myself. Being around him made me feel great- other than just having a great time with him, I felt like he sort of felt like he wasn't good enough to keep me interested in him. And I guess I liked how that made me feel. I'm not sure- maybe I'm just searching for an answer, or something to learn from, where there isn't one.
But- I don't understand people, who share intimate details of their lives with me, and then just disappear, without even stopping to let me know that's what they're doing. I mean, I tend to feel really close to someone after not too long, and then when they bail, it hurts to feel so insignificant.
But anyway- maybe he will come through.
Last night though was sort of a turning point. I guess I just started associating him more with pain than with pleasure when 10 oclock rolled around and he still hadn't called. I went out with M's friends D. and S. after M. went home. We sang karaoke at this intensely crappy bar, where no one was singing but us. It was pretty fun. D. and I ended up staying out until 5. I thought I was going to die. But- D. is really cool.
© beotch at
12:04 a.m.
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