I don't really feel like writing about the details surrounding it, but last night I spent the night with one of the most affectionate people I have ever met. We didn't have sex, or even anything sexual really. We just laid in his bed, sleeping, kissing, in this perpetual warm embrace. I don't think I've ever been with someone who made me feel so welcome to be so loving, since Lee, if even Lee.
since it was someone that I don't know nearly well enough to feel the way I was feeling- not to mention that I am confused about how I could have felt so loving toward someone who is next to a stranger to me- I'm all fucked up tonight. I miss feeling that way for someone so much that feeling it, and not knowing when I will again, because for all i know this guy might just be a one night flash in the pan- hurts. Bad.
My life is all fucked up right now. it sucks in a new and shitty way. i can't fuck up my job, because my brother depends on me, and because i am used to not wondering where my next dollar is coming from. so i can't even hit rock bottom. hitting bottom feels fucking great... nowhere to go but up. hitting rock bottom when certain parts of your life are working is a lot harder. so a nice little river of shit runs through your life rustling in the background.
i am not happy. and the reason i am not happy is because i am not taking care of myself. these other things suck, especially the thing with Chad. that was unpleasant and i really didn't need that to happen. but really, i am upset because i am not doing what it takes to make sure I myself am okay, and am just giving in to all the old stupid things that make me feel better for about a half a second- eating, hooking up- and then feel like hell for about ten thousand times longer immediately after. sometimes i think there must be a satan. otherwise, i can't understand why addictions would exist, because they are truly evil things.
© beotch at
6:22 a.m.
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