I feel lonely in a totally weird way. I feel lonely because I could be out doing stuff and I have decided to stay home. My lifestyle is totally out of control right now. I'm spending too much money, ingesting too many mind-altering substances, eating way too much bad shit at 4 in the morning and not exercising at all. Every day it seems to get worse, and I feel like crap, and bad about myself, and it continues. Not to mention that I think I am the most social person I have ever met. I'd seriously go out every night of the week if there were people I wanted to go out with and it didn't adversely effect my body or my wallet. So whenever I know friends of mine are out partying and I'm not with them, I just feel lonely and left out and totally anxious. I wish I could relax, but I just have this totally irrational fear that they're going to disappear, and I will find myself back at a place in life where I don't want to go anywhere EVER, and I hate people, and I sit alone in a dark tiny hole apartment and just be depressed. There is no reason why my life should ever change in that direction again, but the fear- the anxiety- is still there.
Also, I am afraid to be pretty. I am pretty. But honestly, and this is weird, I feel like the amount I get hit on/the sort of guys that hit on me now is about all I can handle. I can't imagine what would happen if I spent the 491 hours I spent playing euchre online over the last two years, working out instead. Would i get hit on everywhere I went? by different, more shallow, creepier guys, would I become even more of a narcissist than I already am, would I start being one of those people who posts on craigslist about how anyone above a size 10 is unworthy of dating? These are real fears. Again, I have no reason to think that would happen, but how does it ever happen?
I don't know, but I am scared.
Since I got sick in January, I haven't been taking any of my soft-core recreational drugs (vicadin, pseudoephedrine- the over the counter speed shit, that sort of thing) but I think I am going to start again. It's the only way my anxiety was quelled last summer when I was going through this same thing. I'm training for the Avon walk, and walking 6 miles a day really changes your body, fast. I see myself starting to look a lot more like what I want to look like, and then the anxiety sets in. I worry about being taken advantage of, or something.
Anyway, that's what I'm going through right now.
© beotch at
9:39 p.m.
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