Adventures in the Life of Beotch

I'm totally miserable. I took some of my softcore drugs at about 9 and they sort of worked, but not really. I just sort of felt sadder and sadder all night until I decided to go to bed at 11:30. I was feeling partly peaceful until my phone rang- it was Danny- and I was too sleepy to pick up, but it woke me up enough that i wasnt in that peaceful sleepy place anymore. THEN, Yamil called. Fucking Yamil. I didn't answer but it upset me.

I am tired of living life the same way as it's always been. Things seem to change, but preventing them from sliding back to the old, bad ways is nearly impossible. Whereas last summer, I felt like I was climbing three, sliding back two, since about October it's been the opposite. I feel helpless to effect any real change. I feel too angry and hurt to really communicate with God, which til and including now, is the only way anything has ever changed in my life.

I feel lonely and unfulfilled, even though I have good friends and a ton of new ones, and a decent job that pays the bills and lets me work my own hours. I am going to a wedding in a few weeks where I'll see all my favorite people, most of whom I haven't seen since I was 15, and all I can think about is the five pounds that are on my stomach that weren't there a few weeks ago, and about how uncomfortable I am in my body. I hate it. I hate it.

And underneath it all, I'm hurt. Three years of really sad romantic experiences has gotten to me, I think, in a real way. Not just in screwing with my head and my self-image... I think it has sunk in, finally. These things hurt, and there's no real positive way to deal with them, I don't think. I'm still hurt about what happened with Chad, even though that was- oh, funny, a month ago tonight.

He was the first guy I really liked and saw a possible future with since the guy last summer.

Then there's Michael, and I don't even think I can go there right now. He's become a good friend of mine and a decent chunk of my social life and the fact that our relationship is a confusing blend of friendship and love and outright lust REALLY is not helping me right now. He tells me reasons why we aren't compatible when he's in one mood, and then tells me he thinks about marrying me and has to talk himself out of it, when he's in another.

And the truth is, I don't want any of this. I don't want to deal with any more emotional investment- every one I have made has completely crashed and burned, for the last three years. The idea of being alone doesn't appeal the way it used to either. I don't really enjoy those periods of solitude the way I think I will. I want for this to be over. I would like to stop being 24 years old.

I'd like back whatever it was that I had last summer, whatever understanding it was that I had, the one where I realized I was fine the way I am and that beating myself up was a waste. I lost it, and I don't even have the faintest clue what I was thinking back then. All i know is, it opened the door for things to really change, and they started to really change for me, and then the first piece of shit I went out with/the onset of winter was too much of a challenge. I hope this is not a new, and more excruciating cycle i'm destined to repeat.

[serious 3 am depression]