1. Fear sucks and is a counterproductive emotion;
2. Love is great but something else is and always has been missing from my life. This is no great breakthrough, already knew it, but still. The misery I feel on some level when single seems like it will be totally eradicated once I find someone who loves the hell out of me. It is way better, that I know, but the searching feeling is still there.
which is not to say I have someone that loves the hell out of me. Or maybe I do, who knows. Love's a weird thing.
Okay, so. My current guy. When I think of him I feel all full inside, like my body is swelling and filling with happy goo. He is very affectionate, and is so even in front of his guy friends, which is the greatest thing in the world.
I knew of him through friends about three months ago, met him about a month ago, started talking to him all the time about two weeks ago, and started dating him a week ago. The first time I shook his hand, I was struck, but at the time I was pretty sure he was interested in my friend G., so the thought of dating him didn't really even enter my mind. I can't really remember how I went from that, to totally having a public crush on him. And actually I can't really remember when he started being interested in me. Weird.
But this has been a very weird thing. The first few times I hung out with him, he pretty much ignored me, and I'd even go so far as to say he was somewhat rude to me. I remember thinking that he was being annoying in that elementary school boy pulls girl's pigtail sort of way, but my friend G (who is an egofuckingMANIAC, no really) insisted he just was being mean to me because he didn't want me to like him. Heh. Guess she was wrong. Being wrong annoys the shit out of her. Anyway, she was really getting off on the attention he gave her, which I thought was really pathetic. She is this superficial, materialistic, REALLY bitchy girl, who wouldn't give him the time of day, and he still fed her ego all the time. Which annoyed the shit out of me.
But still, he and I are both insomniacs and started talking online every night. Then we'd chat on this message board during the day. Anyway, one night he called me, and we ended up sitting at IHOP til 4 am, and when we left, he tried to kiss me. I told him to F.O. He had tried to drunkenly kiss my friend G a few days earlier, IN MY CAR, on our way home from a bar.
Anyway the next day he wrote me an email and said something to the effect of "you're not my second choice to her, i was drunk when I tried to kiss her" etc. Then I left for Austin, he sent me text messages the whole way there, called me while I was there, and text messaged me the whole way home. Then a few days later he asked me out. Actually... the date he asked me out for is tomorrow night.
But we couldn't wait so we went out and had an awesome, awesome time together last Weds.. We kissed, it was awesome, went to IHOP til 4 am again. Next day he sent me a sweet email. Saturday I saw him online in the morning and we ended up making plans to go to the movies. We went and walked around Old Town, looked at puppies and kittens in bins at a pet store. And while we were watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind he held my hand and sometimes I could see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. He held my hand with both of his. He kissed me on the forehead. When the movie ended we sat there and snuggled and smiled at each other. and then went to dinner.
Then, the most annoying event of my life happened, involving G., the bitchy friend of mine, which I will just paste from the email I wrote to another girl friend of mine on Monday.
"saturday i went out with L during the day and called her at 7:30 to figure out what we were doing (we had standing plans for Sat night to go out or stay in or something.) the first thing she said was "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? I've been calling you since 4!!" I tried to explain that i was in a movie, i.e. NO PHONE but it wouldn't fly. she insisted that I really only wanted to hang out with L and that that was fine, she KNEW that would happen, etc. etc. for a fucking half hour which was totally embarrassing as L stood idly by.
I told her I'd call her at 9:30
So L and I went to a bar so he could meet his friends, and I could kill time til 9:30. At 8:45 I get the bright idea, "G is feeling left out, i'll call her and invite her here right now" That may have been the biggest mistake of my short life because the fact that I called her from a bar with L surely meant I was once again trying to ditch her... which, even at that point, I WASN'T. anyway after hearing her say for the fiftieth time "I know you just want to hang out with L, just hang out with him" I said "fine. you know where we are. bye." and then proceeded to have a nice night. Til she called again at 12:30 sounding tearful, telling me if I really cared I would have showed up at her place ANYWAY after the last phone call. I told her I couldn't take any more of this shit and hung up.
An hour later, she showed up at T33 where L and I were sitting in half-drunk (or in his case very drunk), newfound happy bliss holding hands or some shit, and she walks up next to us and just stands there. I noticed the presence of a person for a while next to us but it wasn't til L actually looked at her that we noticed her. She wouldn't fucking talk to us, I tried to talk to her like three times and she finally just said "I knew i'd feel like a third wheel, you were rubbing his BACK" or some shit and then she stalked off. I was all FUCK THIS and me and L left and enjoyed the rest of our night!!
she apologized and really i probably shouldn't have told anyone this, but come ON, i've known her for what? maybe two months? WTF?"
After that annoying night, which would have been so nice otherwise, L spent the night. We cuddled and slept together and even though he snored louder than any person I have ever heard (I thought Lee was bad, L is about 40 times worse) it felt wonderful to wake up with him the next morning, and sleepily hug and scratch his back and kiss in that early morning sleepy way. I love that so much.
But then yesterday morning he posted to my friend G. on the message board we all banter on during the day something to the effect of "sorry I couldn't talk to you Saturday night. You looked exquisite as always. Let me know if you want me to escort you and your entourage out some night to make up for my poor showing Saturday."
This was absolutely bewildering because a) she was a raging cunthead megafucktard Saturday, not only to me but to him; b)he is like, My whatever, so what the fuck? c) this is a message board where all 40 or whatever of our friends read and post and uh, they all know we're going out, so, wtf? blah. The whole thing made me mad.
But then he called me from the Cubs opener yesterday, just to say hi, and there was no way I could stay mad when he told me he didn't mean to offend me with it, and posted it publicly so that no one would think it was weird if he just emailed her. Or something. Dating is so confusing for me. Anyway- when we were getting off the phone- he asked me to come out and meet him and a bunch of other people for drinks.
So I got there at 9. He'd been drinking like a fish since 11 am. I knew this, he drinks a lot, and I know what he's like at various levels of inebriation. He was pretty toasted when I got there, which was fine with me, there were a lot of other friends of mine there and it was nice to talk to them. Apparently though he was really trashed, because he then did a series of really fucking rude things. None of which I understood until I was driving him home.
Maggie: (silence)
L: what is the problem?
Maggie: why did you say you were leaving, even though you invited me out, and then walk out for ten minutes and then show back up?
L: (sigh/groan, as if I am totally unreasonable for asking this)
Maggie: don't make that noise.
L: I wanted to go out with my other friends.
Maggie: (pissed off silence)
L: You know... we have all this crazy chemistry, and I can see all the potential for a future for us, but there is all this bullshit... do you ever think we should just be friends?
Maggie: (dumbfounded) what? are you serious? are you telling me you don't want to go out with me?
L: No, I do want to go out with you. (drunken rambling) I want to be with you every damn night, I see a long term future for us, I just don't want to fight about every little thing, blah blah blah
Maggie: I don't know what the hell you're talking about, I can't believe you just asked me if I just wanted to be friends.
L: Maggie. I'm drunk.
Anyway after the initial shock passed there was much more drunken rambling and I'm still not feeling very sure about it. In the midst of all the stuff he said then, all this shit about how I'm so great and he is thinking about the future with me and loving hanging out with me, I'm thinking, what the fuck was that friends comment?
I asked him about a million times and received many answers. "I am a jackass and I was giving you an out, where we could still be friends." "I'm insecure." "I always say the wrong thing." "I don't know if I have what it takes to make you happy."
I'm not sure exactly how, but he got himself out of that. We went into his apartment and immediately decided to go back to mine. I think we shall not be spending too much time at his place. We laid around in bed for a while, talking about what it is we're doing "are we dating? are we together? blah blah" him mostly although I really didn't mind the conversation. I fell asleep comfortable, with both of his arms wrapped around me, the skin of his chest against the skin of my back. I felt like I missed that with him, even though that was the first time.
This morning we woke up together again and hit the snooze button ten times while we snuggled and made out and he told me I was pretty and a goddess and "you're going to make me fall in love with you... aren't you."
blah.
Today was nice... he sent me another nice email after I dropped him off this morning, and when I checked my email tonight I had several from him from the day today. They were personal and one was a job description from the reader, and another was a note telling me a friend of his was interested in seeing my resume. I felt so cared about, dammit. All wrapped up in one little one line email was "I was thinking about you, I was talking about you to my friend, I want to help you get a job" He is insanely great about layered meaning words.
Here is why I like him.
I feel safe when I am with him.
I love his dorky sense of humor.
I think he is beautiful in a completely manly sort of way.
He is such a guy.
He is as affectionate as I am.
He wants to be in a long-term thing, and get married and have kids. He's 33.
He is a lawyer. This makes me feel safe on so many levels: I associate it with my dad, who I always felt so safe with. I always felt so protected, knowing that a lawyer knows how to get people out of things. The first night I ever hung out with L, he gave me his card and told me that if I ever got into trouble with the cops, to tell them he was my boyfriend.
He already likes to hang out with me all the time... he doesn't seem to be suffering from all the bullshit EVERY other guy is
He is so damn smart. 1540 on the f'ing SAT. bar exam without studying. I don't know what else to say.
He thinks I am beautiful, loves my body, thinks I'm smarter than him(!), and I make him laugh
It feels so good inside his arms
We come from the same background. The first night we went out, we read each other Scruples cards at the bar with all the board games, and all our moral answers were the same.
And so many other little details that I don't want to start to dwell on, cause if I do, then if things don't work out I'll be sad forever.
In short: I am falling in love with a real person and I am freaked the fuck out.
Tomorrow night: dinner and Buddy Guy's.
I really hope we have what it takes, but I'm going to try not to think about it, and just hope that if this doesn't work out that God is putting me through all these relationships for a reason.
© beotch at
4:20 a.m.
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