Last night L took me out to the most expensive dinner I have ever eaten and then we walked around the dark Loop for an hour, talking, holding hands, him telling me how beautiful I am, etc., offsetting it by making more comments about us just being friends. And telling me he acts like an ass because (embracing me on the steps of the Sears Tower) "You're so beautiful. I'm afraid someone is just going to come along and take this away."
And then he spent the night again and this time we got nekkid. Didn't do it. But slept together. Nekkid.
So, this morning was my scheduled freak out. Here is the conversation that ensued. Via email.
maggie: L i am totally freaked out
L: what are you freaked out about?
maggie: you, and whatever is happening between you andme.
L: ok, i can see that could be a concern. what's the problem?
L: if you want my input, you have to tell me what's wrong. i hope i didn't do something to upset you. i really did have a nice time with you, and i thought everything was hunky dorie.
maggie: :( you didn't do anything to upset me... and i don't know why it's so hard to say what i'm thinking... i guess i'm just really afraid of how comfortable we are together already. it's like we've been together for a long time, only there is nothing secure about it. i'm terrified.
L: well, you just did a terrific job of excising the comfort level for me.
maggie: i'm just trying to tell you how i feel. i'm afraid that you're going to hurt me.
L: you hurt yourself
maggie: what are you talking about? i can't figure out why this would be your reaction to what i just said
L: because you seem very crazy right now.
maggie: can you please explain to me how expressing what i'm feeling is crazy? it seems completely sane to me.
L: you seem very much overly into the whole thing and we've been out like 3 times. this whole subject
is pretty heavy for how far along we are in the "relationship". i admit you warned me it would be heavy.
you're terrified? ok, that's how you feel. i accept you feel that way. but it seems like a pretty strong emotion.
maybe we should cool off if you're terrified of how comfortable you feel we are.
maggie: you know-- you seem sort of into it too. I don't know if I'd say "overly" into it. But i wouldn't say that about me, either, are you sure you really mean that?
and are you sure you want to tell me "maybe we should cool it off" just because I'm telling you that I am scared? I mean, I don't think it is unreasonable to feel that way.
i still don't think i really understand your reaction to this.
L: I "am" into you. But not to the extreme of being terrified etc. Way too much emotion/pressure. I thought we were moving along smashingly until you started getting a little weird.
maggie: i am afraid because you seem to send mixed messages. I don't think i've done that- so i would hope you're not terrified.
i think it is sad, if you would decide things aren't good because I brought up something that was bothering me. that's just the way i am. if something is bothering me, i don't like to pretend like it isn't because for me, saying whatever is bothering me usually makes it go away.
L: It's not that you said how you feel that upsets me. I am concerned that you actually feel that way this soon. Certainly I'm happy to know this, now, instead of at some later point.
Maggie: know what?
L: Know that you are obsessing already.
Maggie: i'm not obsessing at all. i'm just feeling a little claustrophobic. i was trying to say that i really like hanging out with you, and this is all great... and that i feel like i need some more time to get to know you before it wouldn't feel scary for things to be moving as quickly as they seem to be.
that's it. i still want to see you.
Maggie again: i know we weren't friends for long before we decided to go out, but i did consider you a friend. and so from that perspective, i want to ask you a sincere question: what could i have said differently to you today? i was trying to tell you that i really like you but that i was feeling like we were getting ahead of ourselves. i didn't want to seem like i was blowing you off or hurt your feelings. what could i have said to you that would have been the right thing?
L: it didn't seem like you were blowing me off. nor did you hurt my feelings. you just seemed way too emotional for where we're at. so, i guess, to answer your question, tone it down. don't come off like an obsessed stalker.
Maggie: i have far too much pride to be an obsessed stalker, i thought that was obvious
anyway, i hope you can get past your perception of this conversation(i'm sorry for my part in it) and continue to think i rock but if not, i will understand.
have a good night- stop by stefani's if you want. i'll have my phone.
L: i think you rock too.
Maggie: really? i thought maybe you were beginning to loathe me.
L: let's not get ridiculous. you obviously have good points and bad points like everyone else ;)
I'm so not emotionally ready to handle anything serious.
© beotch at
2:30 a.m.
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