Adventures in the Life of Beotch

im freaking out right now. totally terrified and paralyzed with anxiety. nothing i do is right, i can't ever change anything, nothing ever gets better, life always stays the same. i can't change anything. i have no one to reach out to. i've found myself in this spot a million times. alone, no one to save me or lift me out of this. god's not here. no one is. no one really cares about me. i can't handle my life alone, but no one will help me. i try to turn to god but god isn't there or i can't see him. im alone and helpless and everything is grey and bleak.

my job is ruined; school is ruined; i've been sick for two weeks and it ruined everything. and it is all because of the guy, this always happens. i didnt want to be with anyone. i told him that. he told me that that was crazy, over and over again for weeks. he manipulated me somehow or i allowed myself to be manipulated. i knew my life was fragile and would fall apart, that i couldn't handle being in love with someone, that i haven't figured out why i can't have both a life that works and a relationship that works at the same time. i knew i wasn't there yet, but he persuaded me, he got me to do things i didn't want to do. all i wanted was peace. all i wanted was to build things slowly and be happy in some small way, by myself, for a while. but he kept on me. he wanted me.

so now i have a relationship with a person i dont really know. i can't count on him, nothing he can say can make up for the lack of time having gone by. he has emotional episodes that i dont know how to deal with and they shake my well-being to the core. he could be a liar; not enough time has gone by to really trust; today i am sitting here, alone, with no one to come and help me, and my sense of self is nowhere to be found. the things that give my life meaning and peace, the little things, they don't matter. now is not okay. right now is not okay. right now is completely merged with the uncertain future and i am so paralyzed with fear that i can barely move my fingers across the keyboard.

i want him to be gone and i want him to be with me so much. my head is yelling get the fuck out of this, dont be in this, too much, you told him you didn't want to be with anyone, you know that if you're alone you will heal, life will get better, and my heart is yelling love love love remember how it felt lying with your arms around each other? remember how it felt when you woke up and he didn't want to leave?

i'm paralyzed. i can't do it. i let myself go again. i can't make good and i can't move.

i've let the need in and he can't fill it and i can't let anyone else fill it anyway. i'm fucked.

and now i need a miracle but where is god?

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