Last summer was rough, a lot of change and things to deal with. Things seemed to be happening very fast. I got a cold and started taking this cold medicine, and then kept taking it because it made me feel so calm and alert and peaceful... YEAH! CAUSE IT HAS SPEED IN IT! That would explain why I was running 6 miles a night with no problem at all and lost 15 pounds in a month.
So naturally, I'm back on it again.
I haven't spoken to Bryan since Friday when he rescued me from my flat tire. (Which has since deflated again) I've OF COURSE been thinking a ton about us, why he is the way he is, why I stay with it despite the fact that he doesn't treat me very well. I think the conclusion I've come to is that there isn't really a good reason to give up on it. I want to be with him, he's asked me to be patient with him, and it's not like I am choosing him over someone better (at least, not directly) or he is ruining my life or something. I guess I want to see what happens. It would be nice if he actually did figure his life out. In the meantime, I am trying to learn to divorce myself from the situation. There's nothing I can do about anything. I don't particularly want to see him or talk to him right now. I've got other things to worry about, like school and my new speed addiction, and my fabulously unreliable job. I wish I could (and I will) find a way to just not think about him or us, or worry that something bad will happen if I stay with him. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, we break up? oooooooooh!!! So scary! If only I had broken up with 30 other guys in the last 3 years so it wouldn't be so scary and unknown! Oh wait, I did.
The main problem I have right now is school. I just got an A in History of Mexico, and that is a very, VERY good thing if I want my dad to keep paying for school which I clearly do. My problem is that I am entering a pivotal semester. I really have to decide whether I am finishing my history/polisci degree, or switching into the nursing program. There are almost equally weighted pros and cons for both: history, I could go to grad school and be an intellectual, be really smart and maybe be a professor or something equally cool one day; nursing, I could start working in two years for some pretty good money, be in demand and have job security basically for the rest of my life, and there are programs I could specialize in after finishing the two year degree that could make me eligible for some really, really high paying jobs. I've never been the sort of person who really was into money but I have just about had it with being poor.
But when I think of being in a vocational program for the next two years it makes me really sad. I love being in my classes learning about the world and politics and the way things work. I feel smarter because of those topics.
I really need to decide, very very soon. Preferably in the next 3 weeks, but I could stretch it a semester if I really wanted to. The other benefit to getting my history degree is that I'll finish a semester sooner... but then what? I guess I could do the nursing program then and get student loans... I'm just not sure I want to do anything with either course of action. Why can't I just be shown what it is I'm supposed to do? I feel like I've been waiting forever.
side note: I met Lee 5 years ago today. can't believe it's been that long.
© beotch at
1:40 a.m.
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