Adventures in the Life of Beotch

My life is so fucked up. Yesterday I was driving to Jewel and for some reason had this thought. The day before I had been at my mom's house asking her to please give me money, since my life has fallen apart, I can't make myself do anything and I can't pay my bills. She told me that she felt insulted that I'm not doing anything, and that her whole life is about "taking care of responsibilities." That is how I have always thought of her- responsible. Reliable. Motherly. Routine. The house is always spotless. The garden is always beautiful. The bills are always paid on time. There is always money for whatever needs to be done because of her. She has always been that way. And since I can remember, I have always been trying not to be like her. I always wanted to be sexy, exciting, chaotic, unpredictable. So I have spent the last 11 years of my life being just that. Never having a job. Not finishing college. Getting up at a different time every day. Never having any sort of routine (to the point of being repelled by a routine). I've never understood quite why, I have just always thought of my mom as "boring" (even though she's really not boring) and being boring is something I've always purposely (or so I've thought) not been, even if it meant always being in crazy amounts of debt- financial responsibility is boring- or never having money to pay my bills, living my life as one long anxiety attack. Never eating anything that wasn't terrible for me (my mom hasn't bought anything with the full amount of fat in it since they came out with light options. Seriously). Always living my life with the attitude that I'd rather not do something at all than do it halfway (only in a bad way of course-- that never translated into not half-assing college, or work). Just one big long roller coaster ride, alternating between happiness and anxiety on a daily basis.

It has always been obvious to me since I was very young, not even 10 years old, that what I really wanted the most in life was a best friend. When I was young it was my girl friends. I was insanely jealous of my girl friends' other friends and it was always this competition, vying for best friend-dom. Then when I got older and things changed, it became a guy. Now the thing I want the most in my life is a best friend and someone that truly loves me that I truly, madly love back. I think this desire is part of who I am.

I never made the connection between that desire and my total lack of responsibility until yesterday. I don't know why I never got that the reason I don't want to be like my mom is because she got left by my dad, and because I blame it on her being boring. I know my dad is an alcoholic and an asshole and so just assumed that i blamed him for everything, but I never realized that I really blamed her until yesterday. And then when the thought occurred to me, I knew immediately that it was true. Somewhere in my subconscious, all along, I have thought if my mom was just exciting, if she were just sexy, more of a seductress, less responsible, that my dad would have wanted to stay-- that he wouldn't have been bored, and left. I have believed my dad was bored. I don't know if I wanted him to stay and that is why I have been so repelled from being like my mom, or if it is just that I don't want to get left by my future husband. I don't know what it is yet, I just realize now that I have always thought that.

I don't really know what to do with it. I am sitting here in the midst of my financial life falling into ruins. Within a matter of months if something big doesn't change, I will be completely financially ruined again. I feel stuck. I feel helpless. I don't know what I am supposed to do now. I am paralyzed by several aspects of my life. I miss Bryan, but am starting to think that he would be much better off without me. Our relationship was total chaos, followed by somewhat peaceful and fun times (to me) and then back to chaos, over and over for 4 years. I have moments where I just feel like my heart is breaking. I want to be alone and I think it's better this way.

I can't decide if stopping wanting to be with someone who is my other half is what I should be doing. Today my mom told me if I was going to let relationships affect me like this, that I just shouldn't date. She's right, my life is semi-functional but sad when I don't date. And when with someone (and not always thinking about breaking up or having just broken up) I am not depressed, but often my life doesn't work very well then either. Single I just don't feel like I have much to get up for, hence my 15 hours a day in bed current schedule. I sleep 7-8 hours at night but several times during the day I end up just lying in bed. Right now when i am not in it, I miss my bed.

I hope that something happens to me, or I can think of something that will bring me out of this.

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