Adventures in the Life of Beotch

It is really funny to me now (thank God!), reading all the stuff I wrote from my early twenties. Probably because I am sitting here pretty, approaching 30 from inside the best relationship of my life, with a guy who wants to marry me and who is perfect for me... but who's to say. Okay, obviously that is it. But you know what I am realizing? Although I was crazy all those years, I was RIGHT, dammit. If you are the type of person who needs your other half, life fucking SUCKS without it. No wonder I tried everyone on. It's hilarious to me, reading about some of the guys I attempted to date. What really fucking makes me laugh is how fascinated I was going out with "manly men," which I think began when I was about 24. It reminds me of when I was 20, and first went out with a guy who had a real job, and I kept telling everyone "he has a JOB!" like it was a Ferrari or a space ship or herpes.

Ah, how time evolves us all, and heals old wounds. One of my last entries was about Jerimy, my New Mexico love. I remember how awful it was at the time... I don't know if I've ever experienced anything that bad before (or since), and I remember thinking the pain was never going to leave me, that I would never love again. Turns out, it just takes a few years, and couple of relationships in between to fix all that. At least for me.

I look back on my 20s tonight feeling a little different than I was when I wrote how disappointing they were a few days ago. Those facts remain, but the truth is, I've come a long way (judging by those last entries!). Right now, things are pretty good. I've got a good direction in my life, and I feel like I've got most of the answers to my problems. I'm healing from my last relationship, and I think I'm almost to the point where yelling at Paul (for every damn thing) out of force of habit is leaving me. Paul and I have plans for the future: we know where we're moving, just not sure when; we have a general idea what we want together in life, and it matches up pretty well (although Paul never letting me do anything for myself when he's around is going to have to go... sounds romantic but gets frustrating after awhile). Problems that have been plaguing me for 5 years now seem like they have an end in sight. I really think we're going to make a lot of money.

And, when I read how I used to be, a couple of words come to mind... silly, for one. Not in a good way. And, naive would be another. The silly is gone to a large extent, at least when I write. I think that's a casualty of having to write a lot for a living. I definitely miss that devilish crazy sense of humor I used to have, and I wonder if it's gone forever. Hoping not.

I guess the last ten years have been rough ones, and now I'm coming out of it stronger, and wiser. I do miss the periods in my life when I was single, and had lots of friends, even though I know I was miserable then. Which is obviously demented and weird, and I don't want to be single now by any stretch of the imagination. I just feel sad for an alternative life I could have lived, and didn't get to.

[I look at you, and I say "ha"]